Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
