im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
