So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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