planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just had sex on a roof
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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