bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
