Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
