Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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