i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
