Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
