Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
