bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
