lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
