If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
