I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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