I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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