I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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