Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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