My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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