the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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