eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We are two peas in an std pod
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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