I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
