I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
