BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
