Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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