So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
