I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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