feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
