yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
