i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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