Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
