my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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