His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
NoShamevember. You game?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
