i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
