This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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