dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
