The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
