Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
