He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
