I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
