Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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