I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
