His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
