R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She needs sedatives and a leash
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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