thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
