dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
