If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's blow job season.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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