my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
