apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
