ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
