sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
