I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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