Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
