I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
