His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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