She's JV to your varsity
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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