i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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