That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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