What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
