I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
