Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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