everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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