Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
