someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
