So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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