I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
