I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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